Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Write good english

You might like this. This is hilarious... ......bet an Englishman could not construct sentences using numerals!

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10 he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my
boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .

10 Q

Monday, March 30, 2009

Software Upgrade Problem

Software Upgrade Problem

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can i do?

Signed Desperate

Dear Desperate

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files.

Whatever you do , DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it has limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance.

One more to add, force-usage of Husband 1.0 will cause rejection or deletion of Wife 1.0 program totally.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Friday, March 27, 2009

Funny but true


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens ourskin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouthclosed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "PsychicWinsLottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,and dishwashing
liquidmade with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your moneycalleda broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest trafficcalled rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, whotests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethalinjections?

You know that indestructible black box that isused onairplanes? Whydon't they make the whole plane out of thtstuff?

Why are they called apartments when they areallstuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress theopposite ofprogress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call theairport the terminal?

Only in America...

1. Only in America... ... can a pizza get to your house faster than anambulance.

2. Only in America... ... are there handicap parking places in front of askating rink.

3. Only in America... ... do drugstores make thesick walk all the way tothe back of the store to get theirprescriptionswhile healthy peoplecanbuy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... ... do people order doublecheeseburgers,largefries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... ... do banks leave bothdoors open and then chainthepens to the counters.

6. Only in America... ... do we leave cars worththousands of dollars inthe driveway and put our useless junk in thegarage.

7. Only in America... ... do we use answeringmachines to screen callsandthen have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone wedidn'twant to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... ... do we buy hot dogs inpackages of tenand bunsinpackages of eight.

9. Only in America... ... do we use the word 'politics' todescribe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... ... do they have drive-upATM machines withBraillelettering.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Under the bed

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

I'll sleep on it," said Jimmy.

Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sample of Modern Love Letter

Love Letter @ today's joke
Dearest Bedah;

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since
Tuesday, the 17th of August 2003.

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August2003at
1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.
Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than
three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous
relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to
promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and
entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later,
based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
letter,failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and
I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could
forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this
offer.Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely


Monday, March 23, 2009

Only in Pakistan

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

Pakistan funny @ today's joke

A girls first time

read the whole thing dont give up half way through it!

*a girls first time*

(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)

It's your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put himoff for a while searching for an excuse, but he;refuses

to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has

found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's

gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's

done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him

;more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his

time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give

way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight

trickle of blood as he continues.

Helooks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod

for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb

to feel himwithin you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and

he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a

chuckle; that you have beenhis most stubborn yet most

rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist.

After all,it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Drunk Finalists-2008


Drunk Finalists @ today's joke


Drunk Finalists @ today's joke


Drunk Finalists @ today's joke


Drunk Finalists @ today's joke


Drunk Finalists @ today's joke


Drunk Finalists @ today's joke


Drunk Finalists @ today's joke

1 ST goes to.........

Drunk Finalists @ today's joke

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Grey hairs

"mummy, why are you having some grey hairs?" asked the little girl, watching her mum pulling them off. Her mother replied, "It's probably because of all the headaches you are giving me for being naughty." "Oh!!" said the girl. "Grandma's hair is also grey. Somebody's been giving grandma a lot of headaches. It sure wasn't me!!

grey hairs @ today's joke

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Mathematics With No Numbers


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.


Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs andcackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doingthe same thing to them at funerals.

Monday, March 16, 2009

When a student listen to music too much!

Mr. Eric was walking around the form 3 block when he saw one of the form 3 class, 3'T', making noise. He entered the classroom and this is what happened... .

Mr. Eric: Who was playing and talking please stand up or the whole class gets it.
Sam : "Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up"(Eminem)
Mr. Eric: You! I want you to come to my office now.

Time: 0900 hrs

Mr.Eric: What Is Your name?
Sam : "Say My Name Say My Name"(Destiny's Child)
Mr.Eric: Don't play a fool
Sam : "Can't Believe I'm The Fool Again"(Westlife)
Mr.Eric: Do you want me to beat you ?
Sam : "Hit Me Baby One More Time"(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: What did u say?
Sam : "WHAT!"(Stone Cold)
Mr.Eric: Are you out of your head?
Sam : "I Can't Get U Outta My Head"(Kylie Minogue)
Mr.Eric: Who do you think you are ?
Sam : "I'm A Genie In Bottle"(Christina Aguilera)
Mr.Eric: How many demerits do you want?
Sam : "1,2,345,Everybody In The Car... "(Lou Bega)
Mr.Eric: Do you always play in class?
Sam : "Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I... "(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: Do u think this is a party ?
Sam : "I'm Coming Up So U Better Get The Party Started"(Pink)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come for detention class tomorrow morning
Sam : "Every Morning They're A Hello... "(Sugar Ray)
Mr.Eric: I've just changed my mind. I want you to come everyday
Sam : "Everyday I Love You"(Boyzone)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come alone
Sam : "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"(Backstreet Boys)
Mr.Eric: It gonna be the two of us
Sam : "Just The Two Of Us"(Will Smith)
Mr.Eric: Are you going to shut up or do you want me to stop talking
Sam : "You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All"(Ronan Keating)
Mr.Eric: I want you to promise me that you won't get into anymore trouble.
Sam : "This I Promise You"(N*sync)
Mr.Eric: Make Sure you don't get into trouble again
Sam : "Oops I Did It Again"(Britney Spears)
Mr.Eric: You can go now
Sam : "There She Goes"(Sixpence None The Richer)
Mr.Eric: I said go!
Sam : "Bye Bye Bye"(N*sync)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Why Bill Gates Sold Off Microsoft

Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.



Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Wife is like TV

Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

At home watch TV, go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding,

Most Important, TV got remote.. HP don't have..

Last but not least....... .

TV do not have virus, but h/p yes, have VIRUS, once get it, HABIS LA!

hahahahaha.. .....

so better choose TV!

Neil Amstrong Photo's Truth In Month Controversy

Is it true Neil Amstrong is first man tread his foot in month ?

Had recently shocking fact expressible photo

This is his fresh evidence

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dopin' Lizard

funny monkey @ today's joke funny lizard @ today's joke

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "Faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Titanic

The Titanic Film @ today's joke

Write good english

You might like this. This is hilarious... ......bet an Englishman could not construct sentences using numerals!

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10 he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my
boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Disorder in the Court

Message: These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Especially to people who are about to get married

Especially to people who are about to get married

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
still paying for it."

Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?

#CASE 10
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

#CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

#CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

#CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

#CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."

Friday, March 6, 2009

Just For Laughs

Just For Laughs @ today's joke

Just For Laughs @ today's joke

Just For Laughs @ today's joke

Just For Laughs @ today's joke

Just For Laughs @ today's joke

Just For Laughs @ today's joke

One Honest Man

One evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a romantic dinner under the moonlight with his lady.

Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit - some nine thousand bucks. The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money.

The manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others! The hungry man shrugged it off, "My date's waiting. I just want my chicken." The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him.

He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken. "I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right.

Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?" "That's the problem," said the young man. "My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here."

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Depend Us

screen.width*0.7) {this.resized=true; this.width=screen.width*0.7; this.alt='Click here to open new window\nCTRL+Mouse wheel to zoom in/out';}" onmouseover="if(this.width>screen.width*0.7) {this.resized=true; this.width=screen.width*0.7; this.style.cursor='hand'; this.alt='Click here to open new window\nCTRL+Mouse wheel to zoom in/out';}" onclick="if(!this.resized) {return true;} else {window.open(this.src);}" onmousewheel="return imgzoom(this);" alt="" border="0">

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Too much into Technology

today's joke


today's joke
We must be on a mailing list

today's joke

today's joke
How come you have given me only a name but no password?

today's joke

today's joke

today's joke