Crazy not stupid

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health)
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.



One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem...

no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."


Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre.

Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"



Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

DRUNK ON THE BUS

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop.

He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

Still the drunk man is fumbling in his pocket for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus once again. Next stop, the same thing happens.

In fact, every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

A few stops later, the drunk starts to exit the bus from the front.

"Hey," shouts the bus driver.... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, still reeling, shouts back,

"Why should I?!. . . I walked all the way!"

English is a Funny Language

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?

In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the second hand?

Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?

Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:

If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.

But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?

If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?

If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;

In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.

In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

Tricky Plurals
===============

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Lets face it, English is a crazy language!

Pilot and technician

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet, "which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough... . S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit... .S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield... .S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear... .S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud... .S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.. S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative... .S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield... ..S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing... .S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums... .S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit... . S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last... ... ... ... ... ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

CHINESE, INDIAN & MALAY Ladies

CHINESE, INDIAN & MALAY Ladies

3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that
there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into
the sea.

The Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to
doll herself up.

The Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions.

The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys
coming to rescue survivors could usually save the pretty ladies
first. On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her
jewelleries.

The Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and
questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she
would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels. Then the
Indian woman started taking her clothes off.

Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.
The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look
for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first!

Wife is like TV

Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)

At home watch TV, go out bring HP.

No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.

Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.

TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated

TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.

Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding,

Most Important, TV got remote.. HP don't have..

Last but not least....... .

TV do not have virus, but h/p yes, have VIRUS, once get it, HABIS LA!

hahahahaha.. .....

so better choose TV!

Write good english

You might like this. This is hilarious... ......bet an Englishman could not construct sentences using numerals!

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10 he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my
boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .