A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a beautiful young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using a time-honored icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I?" he thinks as she comes over and sits down beside him.
The woman says softly, "Look, you seem like a nice enough guy, so here's the deal: I'm a working girl. We can skip the small talk; just pay me two hundred dollars."
He replies, "I've got no problem with that but, since we're being straightforward I must tell you this: when I come, I go nuts; I bite, I scratch, I kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh, really? And how long does that last?" she asked sweetly.
"Usually until I get my two hundred dollars back!"
A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters went down for the count. The husband sighed and spoke, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"
His wife replied, "Good! Now you know how I feel... "
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly... make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
A woman walked into the welfare office, trailed by fifteen kids.
"Wow," said the social worker, "are they all yours?"
"Yes, they're all mine," the tired mother sighed, having heard that question a thousand times.
"Well," said the social worker, "you must be here to sign up. I'll need their names."
"This one is my oldest -- he's Leroy," she began.
"Okay, who's next?"
"Well, this here's Leroy, too."
The social worker raised an eyebrow, but continued.
"This is my daughter, Leroy."
The social worker interrupted, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they all named Leroy?"
"Isn't that rather, uh, inconvenient?"
"Not at all. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops."
The social worker thought a moment and then asked, "But what if you just want one kid to come and not all of them?"
"Ah, that's easy, too," answered the proud mother. "Then I just call them by their last names!"