Practice makes perfect... ..
But nobody's perfect... ... so why practice?
Save water.
Shower with your girl friend.
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
I was born intelligent
education ruined me.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops. >
On my desk, I have a work station... . what more can I say... ... ... .
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop
Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children
Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning
Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk !
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours !
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
When two's company, three's the result !
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn
Monday, June 29, 2009
Life before computer
Life before computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
And a keyboard was on a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
And a CD was a bank account
And if you had a corrupted disk
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was what you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to the commode!
Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived
And a virus was the flu!
Life Was Good Back Then!
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
And a keyboard was on a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
And a CD was a bank account
And if you had a corrupted disk
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was what you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to the commode!
Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived
And a virus was the flu!
Life Was Good Back Then!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Men's logic
A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody. "
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating... then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody. "
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating... then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"
Friday, June 26, 2009
Escaped Lion
Technicians at Shuwaikh car repair shops were having a normal day at work, when suddenly a nervous looking LION came out of no where...seemingly hungry because of how skinny his body looks
Workers freaked out, jumping over each other, some locking themselves up in cars, some in the offices, and some just ran away...but one brave guy took the picture of this Lion without making a sound....and there was the SHOCK when the Lion turned around...nobody could believe it
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
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v
v
v
v
Turns out it's their Indian co-worker's dog. He shaved the dog in such a way to look like a Lion.... let's just say the Indian co-worker has gotten a bit more than a hard pat on the back ; ) hahaha
Workers freaked out, jumping over each other, some locking themselves up in cars, some in the offices, and some just ran away...but one brave guy took the picture of this Lion without making a sound....and there was the SHOCK when the Lion turned around...nobody could believe it
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
Turns out it's their Indian co-worker's dog. He shaved the dog in such a way to look like a Lion.... let's just say the Indian co-worker has gotten a bit more than a hard pat on the back ; ) hahaha
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Internet is NOT the only solution to your life
A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the
application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.
The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.
'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do
not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in
his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato
crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he
succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and
returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday
earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of
delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US...
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded
to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e
mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at
Microsoft!'
Moral of the story
Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.
Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
Moral 3
If you received this message by email, you are closer to being a office
boy/girl, than a millionaire..........
P.S - Do not forward this article back to me,
I am closing my email account & going to sell tomatoes, ehheheheheh....
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the
application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.
The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.
'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do
not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in
his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato
crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he
succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and
returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday
earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of
delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US...
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded
to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e
mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at
Microsoft!'
Moral of the story
Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.
Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
Moral 3
If you received this message by email, you are closer to being a office
boy/girl, than a millionaire..........
P.S - Do not forward this article back to me,
I am closing my email account & going to sell tomatoes, ehheheheheh....
Monday, June 22, 2009
School answering machine
This is the actual answering machine message for the school at Midlands,
England. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some
parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even
though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not
complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.
************ The outgoing message: ********* *****
'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5
* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transport - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
LASTLY:
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and
responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the
teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really
wonderful day!
If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is
England, now piss off.
England. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and
Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some
parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even
though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not
complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.
************ The outgoing message: ********* *****
'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5
* If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transport - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
LASTLY:
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and
responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the
teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really
wonderful day!
If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is
England, now piss off.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
From Girlfriend To Wife
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain bout. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application ?Yes Dear? to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain bout. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application ?Yes Dear? to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Why we should learn English -- Real story!
This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation
training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, "When you shake hand with President
Obama, please say 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and
you?' Now, you should say 'Me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work
for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'Who are you?' (Instead of 'How are
you?'.)
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm
Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied 'Me too, ha-ha...'
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation
training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, "When you shake hand with President
Obama, please say 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and
you?' Now, you should say 'Me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work
for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'Who are you?' (Instead of 'How are
you?'.)
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm
Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori replied 'Me too, ha-ha...'
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Appraisal Vs resignation
A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss " What is the meaning of appraisal ? "
Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee : " Yes, I do. "
Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "
In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, pastachievements and success.
During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking) more than 50-60% pay-hike !
During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.
There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.
Trainee : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do. When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "
Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "
Trainee : " Yes, I do. "
Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "
In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, pastachievements and success.
During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking) more than 50-60% pay-hike !
During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.
There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.
Trainee : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do. When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
21 Reasons Why Best Friends Are Better Than BF/GF
1.You don't have to call them every day, just to let them know you're not fighting
2.You don't have an anniversary-you just sort of "became" best friends.
3.When someone calls your girlfriend/boyfriend your "partner" it makes you think of marriage. When they call your best friend your partner, it's more like cops.
4.You never have to touch your best friend when it's hot outside, but you can still huddle close when it's freezing.
5.Your parents usually like your best friend.
6.Your best friend doesn't care if you get fat, you're ugly, or if you get a bad haircut.
7.You don't have to get jealous of "girls only" night or "guys only" night >-- You're part of it!
8.You can laugh at your best friend with no consequences.
9.You can burp/fart in front of your best friend on any occasion.
10.You can plan on still having a relationship with your best friend in 20 years.
11.Never in your life will you need "space" from your best friend.
12.Your best friend won't be mad if you want some time alone, and will only ask you "what's wrong?" once.
13.Your best friend is someone you get in trouble with; your boyfriend/girlfriend is someone you get in trouble with if you get in trouble.
14.You don't have to get dressed up to go anywhere with your best friend.
15.You're allowed to have multiple best friends.
16.No one ever spreads rumors or talks about you and your best friend's relationship.
17.Borrowing any amount of money from your best friend is okay, no questions asked.
18.Your best friend will never refer to you as "the ball and chain," "the old lady/man," or "the whip."
19.No one is ever trying to fix you up on blind dates for a new best friend.
20.It doesn't matter what your "other" friends think about your best friend.
21. Your best friend is the first person you call when you get a new boy friend / girl friend, and when you break up with them.
2.You don't have an anniversary-you just sort of "became" best friends.
3.When someone calls your girlfriend/boyfriend your "partner" it makes you think of marriage. When they call your best friend your partner, it's more like cops.
4.You never have to touch your best friend when it's hot outside, but you can still huddle close when it's freezing.
5.Your parents usually like your best friend.
6.Your best friend doesn't care if you get fat, you're ugly, or if you get a bad haircut.
7.You don't have to get jealous of "girls only" night or "guys only" night >-- You're part of it!
8.You can laugh at your best friend with no consequences.
9.You can burp/fart in front of your best friend on any occasion.
10.You can plan on still having a relationship with your best friend in 20 years.
11.Never in your life will you need "space" from your best friend.
12.Your best friend won't be mad if you want some time alone, and will only ask you "what's wrong?" once.
13.Your best friend is someone you get in trouble with; your boyfriend/girlfriend is someone you get in trouble with if you get in trouble.
14.You don't have to get dressed up to go anywhere with your best friend.
15.You're allowed to have multiple best friends.
16.No one ever spreads rumors or talks about you and your best friend's relationship.
17.Borrowing any amount of money from your best friend is okay, no questions asked.
18.Your best friend will never refer to you as "the ball and chain," "the old lady/man," or "the whip."
19.No one is ever trying to fix you up on blind dates for a new best friend.
20.It doesn't matter what your "other" friends think about your best friend.
21. Your best friend is the first person you call when you get a new boy friend / girl friend, and when you break up with them.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Stupid Hunter
one day two hunters went for a hunt in the forest
suddenly one of them got heart attack and lied down unconsciously
the other hunter got panicked and called 999
hunter: hello? i got emergency here. i went for a hunt with my friend here in a forest and he got heart attack and i think he is dead now
police: calm down. first thing first,make sure he is already dead
hunter: ok
a moment later, the police heard a BANG!
hunter: ok, what's next?
suddenly one of them got heart attack and lied down unconsciously
the other hunter got panicked and called 999
hunter: hello? i got emergency here. i went for a hunt with my friend here in a forest and he got heart attack and i think he is dead now
police: calm down. first thing first,make sure he is already dead
hunter: ok
a moment later, the police heard a BANG!
hunter: ok, what's next?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Today's joke
FART
An oldman goes sees a doctor regarding his problem, at the clinic, he said, "doctor, I have this big problem, but it doesn't bother me so much, you see, i keep on farting every seconds but it doesn't make any sound or produce any smell, and actually i've been farted more than 20 times since i come in to your office".
The doctor nodded his head, try to understand his patient problem, the he says, "Take this medicine, finished it and come back see me after a week".
A week later..
The oldman return to the doctor, unsatisfied with the medicine, he says"i'm still farting, but now even worst as it smell so badly but still no sound, what kind of medicine you give me anyways..".
Happily the doctor replies, "Good, now that we have cleared your nose and you were able to smell again, let move on to your's ears next".
SURF
Man: My Laptop is not working,i can't turn it on. I've just brought it yesterday.
Technician : What happen?
Man : It's says multi-tasking so i assume it allow me to surf, chat and watch video at the same time.
Technician : Which video do you watch?
Man : Tutorial video on how to keep balance under water.
Technician: Whom to you chat with?
Man: My old friend from college, he's a surf genius.
Techncian: And which sites you surf?
Man: Sites? is that a new place? i dunno bout that. I just go down to the local beach, get my board,and go surfing.
Technician: ...
An oldman goes sees a doctor regarding his problem, at the clinic, he said, "doctor, I have this big problem, but it doesn't bother me so much, you see, i keep on farting every seconds but it doesn't make any sound or produce any smell, and actually i've been farted more than 20 times since i come in to your office".
The doctor nodded his head, try to understand his patient problem, the he says, "Take this medicine, finished it and come back see me after a week".
A week later..
The oldman return to the doctor, unsatisfied with the medicine, he says"i'm still farting, but now even worst as it smell so badly but still no sound, what kind of medicine you give me anyways..".
Happily the doctor replies, "Good, now that we have cleared your nose and you were able to smell again, let move on to your's ears next".
SURF
Man: My Laptop is not working,i can't turn it on. I've just brought it yesterday.
Technician : What happen?
Man : It's says multi-tasking so i assume it allow me to surf, chat and watch video at the same time.
Technician : Which video do you watch?
Man : Tutorial video on how to keep balance under water.
Technician: Whom to you chat with?
Man: My old friend from college, he's a surf genius.
Techncian: And which sites you surf?
Man: Sites? is that a new place? i dunno bout that. I just go down to the local beach, get my board,and go surfing.
Technician: ...
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
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