Tuesday, December 30, 2008

007 Mom

Karl invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother eyed his beautiful roommate, suspicious that there was more than just a "roommate" situation going on. Karl saw her staring at Ellen. "I know what you're thinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends."
A week later, Ellen said, "Karl, ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the silver soup ladle. Surely she wouldn't have taken it, would she?"
"I really don't think so," Karl replied. "I'll write her a letter to ask, though." He got a sheet of paper, sat down, and wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm not saying you took our silver soup ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't take it. But our soup ladle has been missing ever since you came to dinner."
A few days later, he received a reply from his mother. "Dear son, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with Ellen, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with Ellen. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the soup ladle by now.
Love, Mom."

Monday, December 29, 2008

RELEASE YOUR STRESS WITH THESE STORIES

#1

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, " What other problem can therebe greater than this one?"

--------------------------------
#2

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kin of you, darling. But I dont have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well, that because we arent married yet.

---------------------------------
#3

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you hav done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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#4

Wife : What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband : Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife : What? At 2 am?!!
Husband : Yes, we used night clubs.

-----------------------------------
#5

Anewly married man asked his wife," Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?". "Honey," the woman replied sweetly;" I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

-----------------------------------
#6

Father to son after exam : " Let me see your report card"
Son : " My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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#7

" How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the rommate answered. " He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." " Wow! Thats very expensive car. What's so bad about that?". " He is the original owner."

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#8

A teacher asked her class for sentences using word " beans"
" My father grow beans, " said one student.
" My father cook beans, "said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up " We are all human beans "

---------------------------------
#9

Interviewer t Millionaire : To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire : I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer : Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire : A Billionaire...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Chinese vs Indian Movies

Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies
=============================================

1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.

2. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine(vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number.

3. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.

4. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and god knows out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and joins them in the dance.

5. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy who he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle and so forth.

6. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are No Problem!, My God!, Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, Please forgive me!

7.They drop down on grounds and roll and roll while singing and came out with different clothings.

8.They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyelid, and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.

------------------------------------------------------------

Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Swordsman Movies
==============================================
1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young, and the hero will become an orphan.

2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manage to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and declare dead.

3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when travelling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.

4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have golds and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.

5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.

6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.

7. They can keep alot of stuff in their sleeves and
waistband and never drop them.Especially alot of gold and silver ingots...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Prisoners' v/s Employees...!!!!! ...






IN PRISON



AT WORK

you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell .

you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle ..



IN PRISON



AT WORK

you get three meals a day (free).

you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .


you get time off for good behavior.


you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

[

IN PRISON

[IMG]

AT WORK

a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you .

you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .


IN PRISON



AT WORK

you can watch TV and play games.

you get fired for watching TV and playing games.












IN PRISON
they
allow your family and
friends to visit.

AT WORK
you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON

AT WORK

all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Humm?

Which Sounds Better?



So what are you waiting for.........





Kill your Boss

Only in Malaysia








































Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mature Lady Driver (BRILLIANT)

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.
I just did!

Funny pictures



















Monday, December 15, 2008

Men VS Women

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night....
3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.
6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

Reasons Not to Drink





















Sunday, December 14, 2008

Naked

How Many Cops are Needed to Capture a Crazy Naked Guy?

Friday, December 12, 2008