Today's joke - God is watching the apples

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of
apples. A nun had written a note,

"Take only one, God is watching."

At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip
cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,

"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Today's joke - Ear ache

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C.- "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C.- "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D.- "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D.- "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D.- "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D.- "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Today's joke - The Secretary Interview

A boss has to interview four girls for a secretary's position. He thought of a question and asked each one of them:

Boss: "A woman normally has two mouths, What's the difference between the two?"


The first one answered: One can talk but the other can't.

Second answered: one is vertical and the other is horizontal.

Third answered: one is hairy, the other isn't.

The last one answered: One is for my use and the other is for my boss.

Boss: You're hired!

Today's joke - Final Confession

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie." replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Types of girl u shld avoid fr marry

In general, men are looking first for physical attraction at a woman. Many of them consider that if she is beautiful and well dressed, its the perfect partner they are looking for. But they don't know that behind this appearance its hiding something worst.

Maybe this happened to you too. After you began a relationship with her you found out that she is not exactly what you want and what you expect. She hurt you and dumped you when you last expected. Many men are chasing after a woman who lied them and used them. But, in order to stop this, you should know from the beginning which types of girls you should avoid for to not be hurt again.

Desperate girl
-it is the type of the girl who spend all her life laid out, looking for a perfect life, and suddenly she discover that she gets old and she doesn't get married yet because she hasn't met the perfect man for her
-she wants desperately to get married no matter who the guy is or what he does
-she is pressed by the time and is ready to marry with a jerk as long as he has marriage material
-watch out because if you marry one of this, you have to spend the rest of your life with her

Materialistic girl
-usually is good looking and well dressed
-is looking very well outside but inside it is a bunch of money hungry taker
-she is looking all the time after boys which are staying very well with their wallet
-she expects that a man should finance her entire life just because she is biologically female
-she is very friendly, nice at the beginning but after some time you'll see that no matter how much you give her, she wants more
-she is greed personified
-she is interested only in what she wants and not others feelings
-stay away from this kind of girl because she will dumped you after she spend all your money

Angry girl
-she is the type of the girl which sees life like a battle
-anything what is happening or is told to her is seen as a insult at her address
-has also a bad opinion about man, sees only the wrong sides of a man
-she is always upset and angry
-usually she likes to take out of context everything what is said to her and to interpret the words like she wants
-you don't have any future with her, she has a simmering anger at men which can explode at any moment

Insecure girl
-she is very nice and treats men very well
-but she suffers by frustration
-is wracked by anxiety about making the wrong decision
-she has to think twice about what to do, what to wear, where to go, what to eat
-she needs constant reassurance that she's attractive and worries incessantly

Stupid girl
-this type of girl likes to speak a lot but she doesn't say nothing smart
-she likes to say always gossips about the others, but when you want to talk something important with her, she is not able to make conversation

Uptown girl
-she is very rich
-everything she has is better than yours and she wants to make sure that you know it
-she only dates the best of best
-is entirely focused on herself
-she is very selfish, self-indulgent grown up as '' daddy's little girl''
-needs to be constant center of attention no matter what she does or where she goes

Childish girl
-everything in life hurts this kind of girl
-is the type of girl who cries a lot, every innocent comment or criticism will upset her
-avoid this kind of girl because if you are dating one you will have to spend all the time apologizing even if you didn't make any mistake
-avoid also long term relationship with her because she is capable of suicide if you want to leave her and all the blame will be thrown on yourself

Elusive girl
-is the type of girl who is afraid to start a relationship
-she might be hurt in a past relationship and so subconsciously avoids or sabotages new relationships in the present
-she look interested at the beginning but after a while she runs away
-is the type of girl who likes to send mixed messages so you'll never understand her

Talking girl
-it is a big difference between somebody who is able to make good conversation and have sense of humor , and somebody who always have to make a comment about everything
-it is the type which is very hard to please and always has to say something about everything is happening or speaking around her

Romantic girl
-this lives in her own world, of movies and romance novels
-she is very dreamy, imagining things, expecting Prince Charming to come after her
-she doesn't know how the real world is
-she was grown with the idea that she is a princess

Dragger girl
-this kind of girl will always make you feel bad even there is no reason to feel that
-it is always worrying and she can never be happy, everything around her is a total drag
-even if a wonderful thing happen to you, she will make you feel like it was the worst thing that could happen ever

Controlling girl
-she likes to have the total control in your relationship and on you too
-wants to control you in everything you do, you wear or eat
-if you try to control her too, she will get angry, cry, scream or use any deceptive female tactic until you give up

Flirting girl
-she flirts with anybody and flaunt her sexuality at every opportunity
-has a big power of attraction
-exist the risk to dump you in any moment if somebody better comes along

With all these types of girls you should avoid, it is now more easy for you to make a good choice about your next girlfriend; but remember that not all the women are the same, maybe there is somewhere a good, carrying woman just for you

Today's joke - Why football is played for 45 minutes

Why football is played for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1hour?

Even the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not give the right answer. In that confusing situation one person came up with a reasonable answer.

He said... ... .
"The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is...

There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each teams, Each player brings his own "2 balls" So in total there are 44 balls. There is one ball on the field itself. Thus the grand total is 45". Question Answered !!! Sometimes there is extra time of 2mins which is the referee's balls!

Today's joke - Appraisal Vs resignation

A newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss " What is the meaning of appraisal ? "

Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? "

Trainee : " Yes, I do. "

Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "

In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.

In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, pastachievements and success.

During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.

In a resignation meeting you can easily demand ( or get more without asking) more than 50-60% pay-hike !

During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching objective/goal.

During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.

There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.

There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.

Trainee : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do. When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "

Today's joke - these jokes are just for laugh!

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a beautiful young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using a time-honored icebreaker, he sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I?" he thinks as she comes over and sits down beside him.

The woman says softly, "Look, you seem like a nice enough guy, so here's the deal: I'm a working girl. We can skip the small talk; just pay me two hundred dollars."

He replies, "I've got no problem with that but, since we're being straightforward I must tell you this: when I come, I go nuts; I bite, I scratch, I kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh, really? And how long does that last?" she asked sweetly.

"Usually until I get my two hundred dollars back!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters went down for the count. The husband sighed and spoke, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"

His wife replied, "Good! Now you know how I feel... "

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly... make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman walked into the welfare office, trailed by fifteen kids.

"Wow," said the social worker, "are they all yours?"

"Yes, they're all mine," the tired mother sighed, having heard that question a thousand times.

"Well," said the social worker, "you must be here to sign up. I'll need their names."

"This one is my oldest -- he's Leroy," she began.

"Okay, who's next?"

"Well, this here's Leroy, too."

The social worker raised an eyebrow, but continued.

"This is my daughter, Leroy."

The social worker interrupted, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they all named Leroy?"

"Yep."

"Isn't that rather, uh, inconvenient?"

"Not at all. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops."

The social worker thought a moment and then asked, "But what if you just want one kid to come and not all of them?"

"Ah, that's easy, too," answered the proud mother. "Then I just call them by their last names!"

Today 's Joke Final Confession

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie." replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes
of 13 cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with
his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the
mulcher

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

Today's joke - 9 Words women use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. Anything said after that is the start of a new argument.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Today's joke - self- stimulation

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self- stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," She cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" Said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," He replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there.
Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

Today's joke - MUTHU

MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*

Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
Muthu : '13th October.'
Interviewer : 'Which year?'
Muthu : 'Every year.'
*****

*MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*

The Manager asked Muthu at an interview.....
'Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O-X.'
*****


*MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like! a foreigner?'
Wife: 'No! Why?'
Muthu : 'In London , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why.'
Wife : ?????????
*****

*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
Muthu said, 'No sir, only babies were born here.'
*****

*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIME NT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to 'WALK! WALK!'
The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'
*****

*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.'
*****

*MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard

'* WASH BASIN * '
*****

*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you esc! ape?'
Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination.'
*****

Today's joke - issue 8

During the Second World War an American secret service agent was
sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an
agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town
using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.

He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into
a farmer.

"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."

"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of
folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones
the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."

"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered
the secret code.

"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready
for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."

Today's joke - issue 7

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no
longer remember his lines.

Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are
prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has
only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you
must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb, sniff the
rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my
mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's
practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with
great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my
mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and
the director was steaming!

"You fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
he asked.

"No, you idiot!" the director screamed, "You forgot the rose!"

Today's joke - issue 6

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off
they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they
finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great
Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with
Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a
brain."

"Done," says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that
I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard.

"Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing
there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE
EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

Today's joke - issue 5

A lady is on holiday in Turkey when she stumbles upon an exotic
rug shop. Upon entering she find it has some of the finest rugs
she has ever seen, particularly a large center piece which hangs
on the main wall. The lady loves it and promptly goes over to
inspect further. After admiring it's workmanship she decides to
test the quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she does
this she accidentaly lets slip a very loud fart!

Embarassed by her mishap she quickly looks round to make sure
there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish salesman
appears from behind one of the stands....

"Can I help you m'am?" he asks the rather startled woman.

"Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no odor, "I
just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the best I have ever
seen, can you tell me how much it is?"

The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam, this is
the finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the country's top rug
weavers, and let me tell you this, if you farted by merely
touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the
price

Today's joke - issue 4

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

Today's joke - issue 3

Golf Course Rules


1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

11. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

Today's joke - issue 3

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon
down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the
Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a
harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher ...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Today's joke - issue 2

A man walked into a pub. The bartender asked if he would like to
try the pub's special challenge.

"If you can grab the t-bone steaks from that high ceiling over
there I will give you a months supply of beer. However, if you
fail you have to give me one-thousand pounds'.

The man thought about this.

He looked at the ceiling.

He looked at the T-bones

He looked at the beer taps

Finally he said, " After thinking about it, I don't think I
should risk it"

"Why is that?" asked the bartender.

The man replied "The steaks are too high.

Today's joke - issue 1

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day,
the copilot was providing his passengers with a running
commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is
a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed
when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and
weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an
hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.
The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim,

"Wow! It just missed the highway!"