Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Funny

funny pictures @ today's joke


funny pictures @ today's joke

funny pictures @ today's joke

funny pictures @ today's joke

funny pictures @ today's joke

funny pictures @ today's joke

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

How a guy selects the right girl to marry

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Then he married the one with the largest breasts.




Men are Men!!!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Old Guy at the Beach

DIRTY MIND @ today's joke


DIRTY MIND @ today's joke

DIRTY MIND @ today's joke
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DIRTY MIND @ today's joke

YOU HAVE A DIRTY MIND

Life is short but a smile takes barely a second.

creative homeless...

creative homeless @ today's joke


creative homeless @ today's joke

creative homeless @ today's joke

creative homeless @ today's joke

creative homeless @ today's joke

Saturday, April 25, 2009

RENT FOR APARTMENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.'

Friday, April 24, 2009

Singapore Jokes

Teacher: Ah Kau, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ah Kau: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ah Kau: You don't know my father la!

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But but but... .I will only get my report card tomorrow
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how I know the right answer one

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No la, mine is undying love only! !!!

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: Same as me la.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No la, teacher. It's the same dog!

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!

Son: That's why I tell you she's no good!

Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me ma... .

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Pilot and technician

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet, "which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough... . S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit... .S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield... .S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear... .S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud... .S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.. S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative... .S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield... ..S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing... .S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums... .S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit... . S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last... ... ... ... ... ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget

Monday, April 20, 2009

Three Dolls

The three Dolls in a man's life are:


1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'


2........His Girlfriend, 'Barbie doll'



















3........His Wife, ………'Panadol '.

today's joke funny

Friday, April 17, 2009

CHINESE, INDIAN & MALAY Ladies

CHINESE, INDIAN & MALAY Ladies

3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that
there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into
the sea.

The Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to
doll herself up.

The Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions.

The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys
coming to rescue survivors could usually save the pretty ladies
first. On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her
jewelleries.

The Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and
questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she
would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels. Then the
Indian woman started taking her clothes off.

Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.
The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look
for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

How baby come into this world ?

How baby come into this world ?

Oh I'm sure you know ...

or ... mmm ... do you?

"Daddy , how did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you anyway."

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully. Mom and dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When mom finished downloading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus! OK ?"

hahaha and you thought you know, 'virus'!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

DIY Slipper

DIY Slipper @ today-joke.blogspot.com


DIY Slipper @ today-joke.blogspot.com

DIY Slipper @ today-joke.blogspot.com

DIY Slipper @ today-joke.blogspot.com

DIY Slipper @ today-joke.blogspot.com

DIY Slipper @ today-joke.blogspot.com


FUNNY TRANSPORT.....

FUNNY TRANSPORT.....

Slovakian SUV

FUNNY TRANSPORT @ today-joke.blogspot.com

Big Exhaust

FUNNY TRANSPORT @ today-joke.blogspot.com

Slow Car

FUNNY TRANSPORT @ today-joke.blogspot.com


No Parking!
FUNNY TRANSPORT @ today-joke.blogspot.com

New breakthoughs in car pooling

FUNNY TRANSPORT @ today-joke.blogspot.com

Monday, April 13, 2009

Secretary and The King

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Top 4 poses

Pose No. 1

funny pose @ today-joke.blogspot.com


Pose No. 2
funny pose @ today-joke.blogspot.com

Pose No. 3
funny pose @ today-joke.blogspot.com

And the winner is..
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funny pose @ today-joke.blogspot.com